Blog Post

Blog

"Why Don't You Have Custody?"

  • By Time to Put Kids First
  • 22 Jun, 2016

Author: Anonymous
Editor: Ben Williams

 The day my daughter was taken – I remember this day as if it was yesterday – My son was almost 6 months old – my daughter 2 and half at the time.  Never away from me for more than 36 hours EVER. The day plays over and over in my mind, coming as flashes when I try to sleep at night, and when I wake each morning.

 Her dad, who hadn’t previously been involved prior to his new marriage, finally started to spend time with her, one night every other weekend and Wednesday overnights. When he came to pick her up that Saturday morning something was “off”. She didn’t wave to me as she always did. It was as if he wouldn’t let her. That troubled me all night, and I tried to just brush it off. But, on Sunday, as I was waiting for them to arrive back, I received a text from him saying that he wasn’t coming back, and that he was going to the courthouse in the morning. I was stunned. I was frozen in place, while at the same time – my mind raced.

 I sat back – prayed – and knew the only way out of this was God. Essentially this was the beginning of the longest battle of my life.

 I started questioning every interaction prior to that day. Were there warning signs? How could I not have known his intentions? He had been newly married now for 6 months, give or take. The new wife would get out of the car at the end of the driveway, only for him to come up, get our daughter, and then pick up his wife on their way back out.  It was bizarre. One month prior, he picked a fight about how much child support was, and he had called me every name in the book. Coming from a home where my parents were separated but always got along, I didn’t know how to take this or what it was exactly. It was everything he said he didn’t want for our daughter. I definitely had felt as though his attitude toward me, as the mother of his child, was shifting.

 He was able to instantly get supervised visits for me, 3 days a week, 2 hours a day, 6 total hours with our daughter each week, all simply by telling the court that “he’s afraid”. He was afraid because I had post-partum at that time, as I was a single parent with my son and that was tough, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t fulfilling all of my children’s needs.

 Can you imagine what this does to a child, when ripping them away from one of their parents, someone they have spent very little time apart from? No explanation. No goodbye. Unable to return to the home, her bed, her clothes. Unable to play with some of her favorite toys and follow her routine and eat dinner with her maternal family?

 This went on for OVER A YEAR – 6 hours a week.

 When there was even a SLIGHT chance of our time being unsupervised, he would come forward with an UNBELEIVABLE false accusation.  The most upsetting and shocking was a false allegation of Sexual Abuse during the time I was in “supervised visits”! But the court didn’t even confirm with the supervisors, they chose to continue with the supervised time.

 Our GAL (Guardian ad Litem) LOVED him. She didn’t even call my references.  She already knew what she would do.  She had a level of unprofessionalism that I can’t even articulate.  From following me, not once, but twice, on social media, to hand gestures from excitement when my ex would “win” hearings or trials! One-sided reports every time, all to continue to keep this precious child from me as her goal.  It was absolute utter disgust, and to think I had to pay this woman who isn’t even considering this child, MY child - OUR child.  This was a level of court-encouraged alienation that I’ll never understand. There was a case worker following our case, who at one point said “what about the sibling relationship”? But, the GAL and Judges ignored the case worker’s concern for the children.

 Our trial ran for five days. I requested 50/50 custody. But, since our daughter hadn’t even slept over at my house for over a year, and was “settled” at her dad’s now, I got every other weekend (3 nights) and a day visit the following week.

 I’m so happy to have her back at her home with mom and her brother, but it is hard. She begs to stay, she cries, and she doesn’t understand why her brother gets to stay, and she can’t.  I work at a child welfare agency. I work 32 hours a week, and my work has all the flexibility in the world. With her dad, she’s in daycare longer than my normal work week because he works 60+ hours a week, with no flexibility. She could be spending this time with her mother and brother. We live close enough to a school so she could walk to kindergarten, and if something happened, I could be available at the drop of a hat - yet here we are.

 In my case I have complete opposites – My son whose father doesn’t want to be involved by choice in any manner, and my daughter, whose father, after getting remarried, chose to alienate her from her mother and maternal family. All he had to do was communicate, just say to me “I want more time with her”, and we could have worked it out, together, as adults, as parents.

 During my experience with the Family Court System, I got involved heavily in my church (which at the time I had been attending for a little over a year). It was the only thing that kept me grounded. I was able to stay busy with bible studies and volunteering, and now I’m diving into becoming a leader for a community group just for single parents.

 I try to comfort my son when he aches for his sister, and her when she is upset about leaving.  This is the hardest thing I can imagine going through as a parent, to watch both of your children suffer, with a court system that should have considered both of them, and yet didn’t consider either one of them.

 People see me as a mother – and they ask me “why don’t you have custody?” “How do you just have every other weekend??” I wish I knew – I wish I could tell them it was what was best for her. But, I’m left with the same questions. Or, rather – why isn’t shared custody best for a child? I’m left with confusion and heartache and not just for one child suffering here from this, but two.

 I will stay hopeful that he will realize what he is doing to our daughter and will turn around. I stand by my faith, and I hope for the day when we can work together to do what is truly best for her. Until then, I will continue to always do the best I can to put both of my children first.

Newsletter Sign-up
 Help us Put Kids First!
Take Action!
Be the first to know!
Sign up for our Newsletter to get Reader's Stories as well as updates on our work!
Newsletter Sign-up
By Time to Put Kids First 21 Jan, 2019
“I don’t want to share my story because I don’t want my mom to feel bad. But, I MUST share my story to give other kids a fighting chance.”
By Time to Put Kids First 12 May, 2017
Mothers are important, help us share the importance of a mother in a child's life!
By Time to Put Kids First 08 May, 2017
A Mother's Change in Perspective.
By Time to Put Kids First 24 Apr, 2017
Young Girl Scout Donates to Time to Put Kids First
By Time to Put Kids First 21 Apr, 2017
A mother's story as an alienator
By Time to Put Kids First 11 Apr, 2017
An article regarding Parental Alienation - the emotional and psychological abuse of children.
By Time to Put Kids First 06 Apr, 2017
A father's story of being forced out of his children's lives and the reality he lives without them.
By Time to Put Kids First 31 Mar, 2017
A father's story of losing his children to international parental abduction.
By Time to Put Kids First 27 Mar, 2017
A father's struggle of living his life without his kids while those around him feel distant and disengaged in his plight.
By Time to Put Kids First 10 Mar, 2017
A father who overcame some of the most heinous false allegations, but which left his daughters traumatized by the actions of the accuser.
More Posts
Share by: