No One Understands My Life Without My Kids
- By Time to Put Kids First
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- 27 Mar, 2017
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Editor: Ben Williams
Date: 3/27/2017
I work at a large company in a big city, I have many friendships I've made over the years in which we get together frequently, and my family is rather large, being 1 of 7 kids in which we all now have children of our own. I work 5 days a week, get together with friends on the weekend and my family has a monthly get-together every month; yet, for some reason even though I am surround by people constantly, I still manage to feel alone and isolated. I feel alone and isolated because no one seems to relate or even understand my hardships. The hardships and struggles of living my life as a childless parent.
My children's mother was granted to move with them out of state a few years ago and I receive 2 weeks of time with them every summer break. My oldest child has now informed me she does not want to come this summer to see me. This left me devastated and heart-broken. From her message, she has clearly been manipulated to believe negative things about me and it is very sad what has been done to sever our once close bond and relationship.
I have had long, in-depth conversations regarding my struggles and depression with my friends and family and the reactions and responses I've received are disheartening to say the least. Reactions tend to come across as disingenuous, where a lack of compassion, care, or concern plasters their face expressions and tone of voice. When these conversations arise it is like I'm a complete stranger and there is a barrier between our lives and problems.
I wish people understood our situations. If someone has cancer, a
broken leg, or lost their job people sympathize and care. They seem to
be genuine and want to help you in these situations. Yet, when it comes
to divorce and child custody, it's like there is some major social
disconnect. Those who are unaffected think you did something to deserve
it, they hardly sympathize that you're being kept from your child and
your life is in complete control of your ex and a single judge
who knows nothing about you, your ex, or your children. I feel like
there is this bubble around the issue where those who are
unaffected are on the outside and safe while your issues cannot
penetrate outside of this figurative bubble and you're alone in there in
complete isolation. I just want people to understand, to help change it
before it happens to them and their kids.
I don't want to feel alone anymore; I want my friends and loved ones to truly understand and care and even more than that, I want them to help fix these issues so we can put an end to the destruction of our families; so children stop adopting the same mistakes as their parents and perpetuating these issues that are deeply effecting our society.
Editor: Ben Williams
As the father of two beautiful daughters I never in my wildest dreams imagined or even thought possible that I would become obsolete in my children's lives. I had known people going through divorce and dealing with child custody; both friends and family. But, I had never pried or asked many questions. I didn't know the details of their situations and didn't want to get in the middle of their business. Quite honestly, I assumed their hardships must have been created due to their own actions, that they must have "done something wrong." Now, I am completely ashamed and embarrassed that I ever thought that. That I was so ignorant. That I didn't ask questions. After being through the family court system myself, seeing the horror behind those closed doors, I now understand their pain.
My daughter's mother and I were both working parents who invested a lot of time with our daughters; both taking on the roles and responsibilities fairly. When our daughters were 10 and 7; we started the divorce as we were no longer "in love." What began off as an amicable divorce and reasonable orders that included agreed upon joint custody, became a nightmare. After a year, I began dating again and found myself in pretty serious relationship. The day my children's mother found out, is the day everything began to change.
Not too long after, she took our daughters and moved. Giving me no notice, no idea where they were going, or any information at all. I showed up to pick them up as normal one Thursday night and they never showed. I called and I texted with no answer or reply. After hours, I called called hospitals, called the police, called everyone I could think of. I received no answers and no help.
After a few months and the help of a private investigator I tracked them down, filed in court, and tried to re-establish parenting time with my daughters. I never expected what was to come. The allegations of abuse, some of the most horrific allegations I have ever heard. With no proof or evidence, a 2 year restraining order was put in place which included my two beautiful daughters. I cannot begin to describe the heartache and pain this brought upon me. What had began as a glimpse of hope after finding them quickly became a deeper pit than the one I was in before. With each passing day, it seemed to get worse and worse and there seemed to be no end in sight.
I am now nearing the 2 years of the restraining order, hoping to get it lifted, hoping to regain contact with my daughters. But, I am so afraid, afraid of whats been said to them, afraid of what they think and believe. Two years is a long time, a lot of time to create a lot of damage in a child's mind. I just want to hold my daughter's again and tell them how much I love them; but, I'm afraid I may not get that opportunity again. There is no worse feeling than that, there is no greater pain.
Looking back, I feel terrible for my ignorance toward those who were in shoes like mine, those who I gave a mere pat on the back to as they suffered in silence. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel because after going through it myself, I see myself in those who are judgmental and believe I must have done something wrong or "deserve" what has happened. That alone is torture, but combined with the emotional despair of being without my children has put me in a tough spot.
I am trying to be optimistic for the future, for reuniting with my children, and for their acceptance of me; but after going through what I have, it is an on-going challenge, a daily battle, an inner battle, fought between me and myself where my mind is combating itself going through every possible scenario and placing fear, doubt, and worry in my mind. It is a dark place, a place where no parent should ever have to be.
