My Brother's Divorce Opened My Eyes to My Own Actions
- By Time to Put Kids First
- •
- 08 May, 2017
- •
Editor: Ben Williams
My ex-husband and I began our divorce 6 years ago. The first year was absolutely miserable dealing with the courts nonstop, the conflict, and the decline in our children's academics and behavior. The drama, nonsense, legal fees, court appearances, time off work, stress, anxiety, and tension was awful to say the least. But, above all else, our children began to suffer in school, were acting out, and were clearly affected by being put in the middle of OUR issues.
When I went into my first consultation with my lawyer, I was
made to feel victorious before even stepping foot in the courtroom. After
telling her my ex-husband's income, me only working a part time job, talking
about how I do a lot more of taking care of our children I was told the case
would be a “slam dunk” (her words).
Our first court appearance, and I got exactly what I asked for, with the
standard visitation schedule for my ex-husband and the kids, and I had primary
custody with sole decision making. For some reason, my lawyer didn’t seem
satisfied and continued giving advice of other things we could and should do
such as hire a GAL, mental health evaluations, increase child support payments, the
whole 9 yards. Whatever she said, I was ready for.
One day, things began to change, and my whole perspective shifted. My brother and
his wife filed for divorce and I began to see what was happening to him and his
two beautiful children. I began to see the impact on our children’s relationships who had previously seen each other 2-3 times a week, but could not see each other at
all now because my brother and my ex husband had opposite every-other-weekend
schedules. It broke my heart as my kids said how they missed their cousins and
wanted to see them. It was then I began to notice the other affects such as
their academics and behavior.
A week before a court hearing, I called my lawyer and fired
her. I then called my ex-husband and told him I wanted to work things out
between us. I told him I fired my lawyer and that we should meet up and discuss
things so we could speak to it at our next court hearing. We met and we agreed
to do roughly a 60/40 schedule because of his work schedule. The following
week we told the judge that we would figure out the paperwork and would be entering
this agreement.
From then on we have slowly built our relationship and friendship and have worked together for our children. Today, we do many activities together such as celebrating
holidays. It has been incredible beneficial to our children who now are able to
see their cousins again, have a strong relationship with their father, and are both in high school and excelling in both school and sports!
I cannot imagine where our lives would be if we continued with the conflict and having lawyers and the courts involved. To this day I still watch as my brother struggles to see
his children while his ex withholds them whenever she wants and controls his
life. It is sad that it took my brother’s and nieces' situation to realize what
I was doing to my kids and ex-husband. But, my children are thriving, and I do
not feel they would be doing as well if I had not stopped the court hearings.
I share this to hopefully inspire others to know that, you
can make a better life for your children, your ex, and even yourself. Don’t let outside influences make
you believe you are doing what is best for your children by limiting their time
with their other parent. Children truly need both parents, my children are a testament
to that fact.
I hope parents can begin putting children first before their own personal
feelings and not be sucked into the selfishness and greed that comes with
taking issues of divorce to court.
Editor: Ben Williams
As the father of two beautiful daughters I never in my wildest dreams imagined or even thought possible that I would become obsolete in my children's lives. I had known people going through divorce and dealing with child custody; both friends and family. But, I had never pried or asked many questions. I didn't know the details of their situations and didn't want to get in the middle of their business. Quite honestly, I assumed their hardships must have been created due to their own actions, that they must have "done something wrong." Now, I am completely ashamed and embarrassed that I ever thought that. That I was so ignorant. That I didn't ask questions. After being through the family court system myself, seeing the horror behind those closed doors, I now understand their pain.
My daughter's mother and I were both working parents who invested a lot of time with our daughters; both taking on the roles and responsibilities fairly. When our daughters were 10 and 7; we started the divorce as we were no longer "in love." What began off as an amicable divorce and reasonable orders that included agreed upon joint custody, became a nightmare. After a year, I began dating again and found myself in pretty serious relationship. The day my children's mother found out, is the day everything began to change.
Not too long after, she took our daughters and moved. Giving me no notice, no idea where they were going, or any information at all. I showed up to pick them up as normal one Thursday night and they never showed. I called and I texted with no answer or reply. After hours, I called called hospitals, called the police, called everyone I could think of. I received no answers and no help.
After a few months and the help of a private investigator I tracked them down, filed in court, and tried to re-establish parenting time with my daughters. I never expected what was to come. The allegations of abuse, some of the most horrific allegations I have ever heard. With no proof or evidence, a 2 year restraining order was put in place which included my two beautiful daughters. I cannot begin to describe the heartache and pain this brought upon me. What had began as a glimpse of hope after finding them quickly became a deeper pit than the one I was in before. With each passing day, it seemed to get worse and worse and there seemed to be no end in sight.
I am now nearing the 2 years of the restraining order, hoping to get it lifted, hoping to regain contact with my daughters. But, I am so afraid, afraid of whats been said to them, afraid of what they think and believe. Two years is a long time, a lot of time to create a lot of damage in a child's mind. I just want to hold my daughter's again and tell them how much I love them; but, I'm afraid I may not get that opportunity again. There is no worse feeling than that, there is no greater pain.
Looking back, I feel terrible for my ignorance toward those who were in shoes like mine, those who I gave a mere pat on the back to as they suffered in silence. I can't begin to describe the regret I feel because after going through it myself, I see myself in those who are judgmental and believe I must have done something wrong or "deserve" what has happened. That alone is torture, but combined with the emotional despair of being without my children has put me in a tough spot.
I am trying to be optimistic for the future, for reuniting with my children, and for their acceptance of me; but after going through what I have, it is an on-going challenge, a daily battle, an inner battle, fought between me and myself where my mind is combating itself going through every possible scenario and placing fear, doubt, and worry in my mind. It is a dark place, a place where no parent should ever have to be.
