A Mother Replaced in the Wake of Marriage Equality

Author: Rachel
Editor: Ben Williams

Some names have been changed to protect the author and child’s identity

 My wife, Andi, and I met nearly ten years ago. It’s strange to think that had our son been born a few years later, we’d be able to legally call him our son. …But, all because of a point in time, a point in our history, before same sex marriage and adoption was legal, we have no rights and are left to just love him from a distance.

 I was there for Andi during the breakup with her ex, Tracy. She and Tracy were together for six years, and during that time, they had succeeded in conception with a beautiful baby boy, Christopher. Though their relationship ended while Tracy was still pregnant, when Christopher was born, he took Andi’s last name, and they cared for him together as his mothers. Christopher was premature, and both Andi and Tracy spent each day with him in the hospital in NICU. When Christopher went home and Tracy had to go back to work, Andi took maternity leave to care for him every day.

 Unfortunately, the laws back then were much different than they are now.  Andi could not be on the birth certificate and could not legally adopt Christopher when he was born, so though she was his second mother at conception, she knew she had no legal rights as his parent.

 Over time, Tracy began to distance herself from Andi, and so Andi was then only allowed to be with Christopher every other weekend and one night a week.  It was not nearly enough time.  Though it wasn’t required by law, Andi paid child support during this time, and she made every attempt to see Christopher more, even if just to pick him up from daycare to see him for an hour.

 When Christopher was around two years old, the relationship between Tracy and Andi seemed to be getting better, and all four of us started doing things together. We celebrated holidays together, we vacationed together, and we were seeing Christopher so much more. This went on for two years. It was during this time that I grew to love Christopher so very much, as his step mother, and as an active part of his everyday life. We were all so happy, and this was the happiest I had ever seen Christopher. He saw us all getting along and saw us all as a close-knit family.

 When Tracy started dating someone new, things changed dramatically.  She required more and more money from Andi. In addition to the $800 per month in child support, we covered the daycare costs, clothes, and other essentials, but it never seemed to be enough. And, money was a requirement in order for us to continue to see Christopher at all, so we just complied.

 One day when we went to pick him up for our weekend, they weren’t home.  Our hearts sank. Andi felt defeated, helpless. After phone calls and texts, Tracy finally responded saying that Christopher didn't want to spend time with us anymore, and she was taking him away.  Andi begged and pleaded, offered more money, anything, but nothing worked.

 Christopher was four and a half. We, of course, knew that a four and a half year old would not naturally choose to cut a parent out of their life. But, what were we to do? We tried to fight in court with the only route we had of basically Tracy extorting Andi for money to "rent a child", and she tried to scare her to sue her for the money back. That didn't work. We went through court and lost. When they were together, they had made the joint decision of Tracy carrying their first child, so Tracy was legally considered his mother, and Andi was not.  Andi had no rights to fight for him.

 The last time we spoke to or saw our son was on October 22, 2011. Back then, parents could not adopt their children in same sex relationships, but, now they can - which is exactly what Tracy’s new girlfriend did, adopt Christopher. Andi and I have nothing left to try but wait for him to find us one day.

 Christopher is now 9 years old.  We've missed so much. We’ve missed the first day of kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade, birthdays, holidays, stories, homework, his smile and his laugh. We’ve missed everything, and feel as though our hearts are forever broken.

 This is unlike any other experience. It is senseless and incredibly heartbreaking. Some days it's still hard to get out of bed, other days I try to focus on seeing him again. Andi is still in a very dark place from having Christopher taken away. Hearing so many that have had their children taken from them is excruciating and so disturbing, yet we find comfort that we aren't alone.

 Time to Put Kids First has been a huge support system for us. We need to bring more awareness for children's rights in Utah and across the country as we have many, straight and same sex parents who are in our situation and who feel so alone. There are many that need to be aware of ways to protect themselves and their children as best as they can to avoid this nightmare if at all possible. We need to unite, bring visibility to the issues and ensure that all parents begin to put their children first!