Never Giving Up Hope: May We All Have a Chance At Peace

Author: Anonymous
Editor: Ben Williams

 In the Summer of 2011, after a lengthy divorce, I became the non-custodial parent of our 4 children. The judge cited work hours and the fact that I completed my college education during the marriage for reasons to "award" my co-parent physical custody. The judge couldn't understand how I played an active role in our children's lives while being the "breadwinner" in the household. Needless to say, I was devastated, but driven.

 There were some days where I laid in bed for hours, and there were some days (when I had the children - one evening a week and every other weekend), when I lived. I mean really LIVED. The kids and I did things we never did while we were married. We laughed, we met new people, we tried new things.

 Some days, it was really hard to do this under the cloud that hung over us that our time was short together. But, we took full advantage of every second we had together. No time was taken for granted.

 After one custodial evaluation, I was told that I didn't have enough information and that no judge would take me seriously because of the recent ruling. The evaluator was honest (hurt like hell) but told me I need more reasons and that I needed to document everything. I was devastated again but found the strength to become driven again...the kids. They kept me going. They kept me wanting to fight for them and what was right.

 No time was taken for granted. I inserted myself everywhere - schools, sports, … Everywhere that I could have time to parent - I was there. I was communicating with teachers and school counselors. Asking lots of questions about the kids. Documenting everything. I can't stress that enough. Everything. Every conversation, every email, every text. It was my new "first" job.

 One documentation really got to me, and we started family counseling. The other parent disagreed but we had joint custody so I could at least make medical decisions for the kids. I kept the other parent informed of all visits, and he called the counselor to get updates. I repeatedly asked for more time with the kids, but was always told no with lots of excuses.

 After one specific visit to the counselor, the counselor looked at me and asked what I was waiting for. She said everything the kids were saying and everything that I had documented should be enough. I was still afraid. I was so afraid to be devastated again. But my need to get my kids in a better situation was more than my need to keep myself safe from devastation.

 In 2016, I asked for another evaluation. The original evaluator had passed away so the judge wasn’t able to speak to his original report and allowed a second custodial evaluation.

 It's October 3 today, and the kids have lived with me for 5 months full time. Lots came to light during that evaluation. Originally, I told my attorney that I wanted 50-50 because I didn't want the kids to be without one of us, but after the evaluator submitted the report, I had to consider the impact to the kids. The other parent agreed to stay out of court and to just change the order to full physical and legal custody based on what the evaluation had brought to light.

 I read that evaluation twice. I will never read it again because I don't want to remember that my kids lived that way for 5 years because of a family court decision.

 We are focused on the future... kids are thriving, in school, and with friends and family (especially those that had trouble visiting before because of the limited time at my home). I'm so glad they are able to be an influence in the kids’ lives now. They are all really great people.

 Dad is still involved. Right now, he has every other weekend and one night a week, and he comes to some of their sporting events. Our eldest child is not speaking to him at this point, but we are working to fix that. She is in college now, and has very strong feelings about how she was treated and the attempts to turn her against me and her stepfather. One step at a time.

 I have invited the other side of the family to parties and special occasions so that they do not miss a moment - some attend and others do not. These kids are awesome, and if someone would've given me that opportunity for the last 5 years, I would've sucked it up and been there for my kids every chance I could get.

 Why do I tell you all this? Because there is always hope... always. There were days when I thought that I would just give in and accept the situation, but I would listen for the clues from others in the kids’ lives that kept me driven to get them in a better circumstance than what was handed to them by family court.

 I'm definitely not saying it is easy. I messed up so much during the 5 years and would set myself back. And I ran out of money - a lot. I fell off the high road monthly and sometimes weekly, but I kept going forward. Just keep doing the next right thing. And, taking advantage of every second we had together.

 I pray for everyone and every child dealing with this situation. Before my custody battle, I had no clue. Now I know... or at least I know what can go wrong and what can go right. Peace to all of you and your children. May we all have a chance at peace.