Author: Anonymous
Editor: Ben Williams
In the Summer of 2011, after a lengthy divorce, I became the
non-custodial parent of our 4 children. The judge cited work hours and
the fact that I completed my college education during the marriage for
reasons to "award" my co-parent physical custody. The judge couldn't
understand how I played an active role in our children's lives while
being the "breadwinner" in the household. Needless to say, I was
devastated, but driven.
There were some days where I laid in bed
for hours, and there were some days (when I had the children - one
evening a week and every other weekend), when I lived. I mean really
LIVED. The kids and I did things we never did while we were married. We
laughed, we met new people, we tried new things.
Some days, it was
really hard to do this under the cloud that hung over us that our time
was short together. But, we took full advantage of every second we had
together. No time was taken for granted.
After one custodial
evaluation, I was told that I didn't have enough information and that no
judge would take me seriously because of the recent ruling. The
evaluator was honest (hurt like hell) but told me I need more reasons
and that I needed to document everything. I was devastated again but
found the strength to become driven again...the kids. They kept me
going. They kept me wanting to fight for them and what was right.
No
time was taken for granted. I inserted myself everywhere - schools,
sports, … Everywhere that I could have time to parent - I was there. I
was communicating with teachers and school counselors. Asking lots of
questions about the kids. Documenting everything. I can't stress that
enough. Everything. Every conversation, every email, every text. It was
my new "first" job.
One documentation really got to me, and we
started family counseling. The other parent disagreed but we had joint
custody so I could at least make medical decisions for the kids. I kept
the other parent informed of all visits, and he called the counselor to
get updates. I repeatedly asked for more time with the kids, but was
always told no with lots of excuses.
After one specific visit to
the counselor, the counselor looked at me and asked what I was waiting
for. She said everything the kids were saying and everything that I had
documented should be enough. I was still afraid. I was so afraid to be
devastated again. But my need to get my kids in a better situation was
more than my need to keep myself safe from devastation.
In 2016, I
asked for another evaluation. The original evaluator had passed away so
the judge wasn’t able to speak to his original report and allowed a
second custodial evaluation.
It's October 3 today, and the kids
have lived with me for 5 months full time. Lots came to light during
that evaluation. Originally, I told my attorney that I wanted 50-50
because I didn't want the kids to be without one of us, but after the
evaluator submitted the report, I had to consider the impact to the
kids. The other parent agreed to stay out of court and to just change
the order to full physical and legal custody based on what the
evaluation had brought to light.
I read that evaluation twice. I
will never read it again because I don't want to remember that my kids
lived that way for 5 years because of a family court decision.
We
are focused on the future... kids are thriving, in school, and with
friends and family (especially those that had trouble visiting before
because of the limited time at my home). I'm so glad they are able to be
an influence in the kids’ lives now. They are all really great people.
Dad
is still involved. Right now, he has every other weekend and one night
a week, and he comes to some of their sporting events. Our eldest
child is not speaking to him at this point, but we are working to fix
that. She is in college now, and has very strong feelings about how she
was treated and the attempts to turn her against me and her stepfather.
One step at a time.
I have invited the other side of the family to
parties and special occasions so that they do not miss a moment - some
attend and others do not. These kids are awesome, and if someone
would've given me that opportunity for the last 5 years, I would've
sucked it up and been there for my kids every chance I could get.
Why
do I tell you all this? Because there is always hope... always. There
were days when I thought that I would just give in and accept the
situation, but I would listen for the clues from others in the kids’
lives that kept me driven to get them in a better circumstance than what
was handed to them by family court.
I'm definitely not saying it
is easy. I messed up so much during the 5 years and would set myself
back. And I ran out of money - a lot. I fell off the high road monthly
and sometimes weekly, but I kept going forward. Just keep doing the next
right thing. And, taking advantage of every second we had together.
I
pray for everyone and every child dealing with this situation. Before
my custody battle, I had no clue. Now I know... or at least I know what
can go wrong and what can go right. Peace to all of you and your
children. May we all have a chance at peace.
